Relena Can't Cook!
by ChibiChibi-Chan
Summary: Relena's trying to cook breakfast for her Heerochan. this is like... over 5 years old so like yeah... I keep it up for humorz sake or just mine
1. Default Chapter Title

Relena **Can't** Cook!  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, even though I like to say I own Duo Maxwell! And yes, this is senseless Relena-bashing at it's finest, so please don't flame me too much about it!  
************

It was a normal day at the Peacecraft mansion. The birds were chirping and all of that other wonderful peace crap. Only one thing could possibly break the beautiful, serene peace surrounding the mansion. This thing could even take out the entire OZ force and most of the space colonies...Relena's cooking! It all started with breakfast...

Heero: *opening the door to his room, and standing there in Sailormoon boxers* What the hell happened in here? *walks into the black cloud of smoke that you _could_ say was coming from the kitchen*  
Duo: *also opens the door to his room, and stands in the hallway wearing boxers with SD Deathscythe Hells all over it* Holy shit! We're going to die!

Suddenly, a 2x4 (a piece of wood, not DuoxQuatre!) comes out of nowhere, and hits Duo in the head...

Duo: *dizzy* Arigatou...I needed that...*passes out*

All of a sudden, Heero sees Wufei hauling rear out of the kitchen, and watches as he trips over the semi-unconscious Duo.

Wufei: What the hell is Maxwell doing on the ground? Why does Yuy's weak onna **insist** on cooking?! She can't cook for shit! **INJUSTICE!  
**Duo: *regains consciousness* Because she wanted to give her 'Hee-chan' some good home cooking, of you know what I mean, Wu-man...hehe...

Wonders never cease as a frying pan flies through the air to connect with Duo's head...

Duo: *again, dizzy* Ouch! Night night! *falls to the ground unconscious*  
Heero: *glaring at the knocked out Duo* He deserved that one...

Heero walks into the still smoking kitchen to see Relena trying to put a fire out near the stove.

Relena: *turning to see Heero* Oh Heero-chan! I really tried hard to make you breakfast, but the food caught on fire somehow so I tried to put it out with paper towels--  
Wufei: *after hearing _that_* Did I mention that Yuy's onna is also a fairly stupid one as--*is cutoff by another flying frying pan that connects with his head to knock him out*  
Relena: *coughs* anyways...Then, **that** caught on fire, so I tried to put some ice on it, but the ice melted before it could do a thing. So THEN, I remembered that water puts out fire, and well...at least I can say the food's cooked all the way.

Relena hands Heero a piece of the half-soggy, half-burnt bacon and smiles. Heero just looks at the disgusting-looking food like it's toxic waste. (Well...it SHOULD be labeled that...) He glanced at his still smiling girlfriend, who was waiting for Heero's reaction to her food. Just so he wouldn't have to hear Relena's crying, which was MUCH MUCH MUCH worse than hearing Usagi from Sailormoon cry, he ate it. He munched on it at best as he could and nearly choked on the nasty tasting bacon while swallowing it. Heero had the "I'm going to puke in about ten seconds" look plastered on his face. Lo and behold, he did puke. Poor Heero was sick for an entire month after that, only because he was forced to eat Relena's homemade soup! (Good Lord, you don't want to know what was in it, trust me...)

To be continued? Maybe, it all depends on you, the reader...ja ne!  
-ChibiChibi-chan


	2. Default Chapter Title

Relena **Can't** Cook! Part 2  
Disclaimer: Look at all of my other fics, the same one applies.  
*****

A five weeks and two days after Heero finally recovered from ingesting Relena's toxic waste, I mean, food...

Heero: *gets out of bed* At least I'm ok, now...  
Duo: Hehe, the 'Perfect Soldier' can't even stand up to his woman! *four 2x4s hit Shinigami-chan on the head* Where the hell are all those things coming from?  
Other G-boys: *placing 2x4s behind their backs* No clue...  
Duo: What's that behind your back? *gets hit with four more 2x4s* Oh...THAT was...behind...your back...*passes out*  
Quatre: That was kind of mean to do to Duo, don't you think?  
Heero: NO!  
Wufei: Now that big mouth Maxwell is out cold, we can order ourselves some **real** food! *starts looking for the phone book*  
Trowa: Are you sure that Relena isn't home?  
Heero: Yes, she won't be home until six o' clock.  
Quatre: Are you sure?  
Wufei: *slightly annoyed at Quatre and Trowa's questions and at the fact he can't find the damn phonebook* When Yuy says he's sure, Yuy is **sure**!  
Trowa: *finds the phonebook and opens it to 'Delivery Food'* Ok, so...what are we going to eat?

All five Gundam pilots look at each other, and smirk...

Everyone: **PIZZA!**

They continued to do this for a few months or so. Then, on one horrible day, Relena decided to surprise her Hee-chan by coming home early!

Relena: *walks in* Hi guys!  
Wufei: *quickly covering the phonebook because it was open to the "Pizza" section* Onna! AHHH!  
Trowa: *quickly stuffing the check he wrote out to Little Caesar's in his pocket* What are you doing home so early?  
Relena: Um...I got out of work early...  
Wufei: *mutters under his breath* Please don't remind us, onna...  
Heero: *walks into the room* AHHH! *runs out of the room when he sees Relena*  
Relena: *confused* Ooook...well, I was going to cook you boys some lunch!  
Everyone: **Ahhhhh! NOT LUNCH!  
**Relena: Huh? Oh, I **know** you're all excited because you're going to have some of my fine cooking, so I'll go get started now!  
Everyone: NO!  
Heero: *sticks head back into the room* What we mean is, Relena...*looks at her* um...we would **love** to have some lunch cooked by you!  
Relena: *runs over to Heero and gives him a big hug and a kiss* Ok, Hee-chan! I better go get started! *dances into the kitchen*

When Relena is in the kitchen, the other four G-boys turn around to face Heero. Heero starts sweatdropping as the other guys advance on him. They all jump the 'Perfect Soldier' and kick his ass.

Wufei: What the hell were you **thinking**, Yuy!? Has that ZERO system made you lose it completely?  
Heero: ... *passes out*

In the kitchen...

Relena: Hmm...what shall I make my Hee-chan and his friends? I KNOW! I'll make them some sandwiches! *finds a loaf of mold-covered bread* I'm not sure if this bread is very good, but I know my Hee-chan will eat it! 

Relena continues making the sandwiches until there is one for everyone. In the living room...

Duo: *smells the air, and starts coughing* I smell something rotten!  
Wufei: Maybe Yuy's onna's cooking...  
Heero: *awakens when he smells the strange gas-like stuff in the air* It can't be **that** bad!  
Duo: *slaps Heero and starts shaking him* Heero! HELLO! Boy, you were sick for **a month** because you ate Relena's cooking and you say 'It can't be **that** bad'? What the hell's the matter with you!?  
Wufei: You have to agree with Maxwell on this one, Yuy. Your onna can't cook worth shit!  
Duo: Yeah! It makes my attempt at cooking look good!

All of the Gundam pilots look at Duo like he's some kind of weird thing from outer space.

Duo: WHAT?!  
Everyone: Nothing...

Trowa and Quatre are at the kitchen door, armed with gas masks. Even with them, the pilots of Heavyarms and Sandrock can _still_ smell the toxic waste Relena has the nerve of labeling as 'food'. Trowa suddenly became nauseous and threw up into a nearby plant. Quatre himself nearly became sick at the sight of Trowa throwing up, but managed to control it.

Duo: Even with all that stuff on your face, you can STILL smell it too, eh?  
Trowa: *weakly* Yeah, the smell makes whatever you tried to cook smell pleasent, and believe me, it wasn't...  
Duo: Uh...ok...

The GW boys walk into the kitchen when Relena calls them and sit down in front of the 'food'. There were masses of dead flies all over the kitchen...

Quatre: Not even the flies could survive the smell...  
Heero: It's not THAT bad....  
Relena: *smiling proudly at her 'accomplishment'* Well, boys...dig in!  
G-boys: *look at each other* Ok...

Each one of them look at the sandwich Relena had set before them, then go back to looking at one another again. 

Heero: You try it, Duo...  
Duo: Oh no...she ain't my girl, so **you** try it, Heero...  
Heero: You're a guest, so **YOU** eat it first...  
Duo: Oh, I couldn't...seeing how you LIVE HERE!  
Quatre: Oh, **come on**! It doesn't look _that_ bad!

Quatre, the brave soul that he is, picks up the sandwich as the other Gundam pilots look on. Quatre takes a bite out of the sandwich and swallows it. Again, the other four GW boys stare at him in amazement. Then, Quatre just sits there for a minute or two and falls out of his seat. The other GW boys push their sandwiches aside...

Relena: Wow! What the sandwich really **that** good, Quatre!? Uh...Quatre?  
Everyone: *sweatdrops*  
Trowa, Duo, and Wufei: *faint*  
Heero: *thinking* Ok...so maybe they WERE right...Relena _really_ should be banished from the kitchen...

Again, this was some more senseless Relena-bashing. Please review! Ja ne!  
-ChibiChibi-chan


	3. Default Chapter Title

Relena **Can't **Cook! Part 3  
Disclaimer: Look at all of my other fics, the same one applies.  
*****

Two weeks later the remaining Gundam pilots decide to check up on poor Quatre who is in the mental hospital at the moment...

Duo: Hey Quatre!  
Quatre: Who are you? *looks at his Duo UFO catcher doll[1] and starts doing the voice for it*  
UFO Duo: That's your friend Duo!  
Quatre: Really?  
UFO Duo: Yeah!  
Quatre: Oh...*turns to the real Duo* Hi!  
Duo: Ok...  
Wufei: What the hell have they been giving you?  
Quatre: *turns to his Wufei UFO catcher doll* Who's he?  
Wufei: Oh my god!  
Duo: *looks at Quatre's collection of G-boy UFO catcher dolls* Cool! He has all of us! I guess we can go then!  
UFO Wufei: INJUSTICE! That's Wufei!   
Wufei: **INJUSTICE!!!!!** Let me kick his ass for that!!!  
Heero: Not just yet...  
Quatre: Uh...you're...Heero...right?  
Heero: Uh...yeah...  
UFO Heero: He can't be me!  
Heero: Ok Wufei, you can kick his ass now...  
Wufei: Yes!  
Duo: Hey! Don't do that!  
Wufei: *stops in mid punch* Why the hell not, Maxwell?  
Duo: Uh...I don't know...*thinks...* Nevermind, go on...  
Trowa: Hey, what's going on?  
Wufei: *about to hit Quatre again* Where the hell were you?  
Trowa: *blush* Nowhere...

Just then, a cute nurse enters the room and goes over to Trowa...

Nurse: Oh yeah, here's my number, Trowa-chan...  
Trowa: Uh...thanks...  
Duo: Nowhere, eh?  
Trowa: Nowhere special...  
Duo: Yeah...Uh huh...  
Nurse: Oh...so THOSE are your friends...  
Duo: Are you sure you want to go out with Trowa?  
Trowa: SHUT UP!!  
Duo: I'm just saying...  
Heero: Just shut up, Duo...  
Nurse #2: Hey! Who are the cute guys?  
Duo: Will you go out with me?  
Nurse #2: Um...I wasn't talking about you! *points to Wufei* I was talking about HIM!  
Wufei: *getting ready to punch Quatre _again_* Huh?  
Nurse #2: You're sooo cute!  
Wufei: Leave me alone, weak onna!  
Nurse #2: *devilish grin* And if I don't?  
Wufei: I will kill you!  
Heero: Hey! Go find your own pick up line!  
Wufei: Huh? What "pick up line"?  
Heero: What you just said! Wait a...oh shit!  
Duo: Oh, so THAT'S how you get all them chicks!  
Relena: *enters the room* Huh? What chicks?  
Quatre: *looks at Relena* AHhhhhh! Keep her away!!!  
Relena: Huh?   
Quatre: Leave, you evil beast!  
Heero: I know Relena's cooking isn't the best but no one, I mean **no one**, calls her an evil beast! * kicks the crap out of Quatre*  
Duo: Oooooo, so Heero **does** care about Relena!  
Heero: *stops* Die, Duo! *runs after Duo*  
Nurse #1: You know, Trowa you're really cute...  
Nurse #2: Hey! Trowa-chan is mine!  
Nurse #1: No, he's mine!!!!  
Trowa: Oh god...  
Nurse #1: I said he's MINE!  
Trowa: Please! I can go out with both of you!  
Both Nurses: REALLY!?  
Trowa: Uh...yeah...  
Duo: *trapped in a corner* You know, I didn't mean that right, Heero?  
Heero: Must kill Duo...  
Duo: Ahhhhhhhhhh!  
Relena: Oooook...first I'm called an evil beast...now Heero is kicking the crap out of poor Duo...

Under a table we see Quatre and his UFO gundam pilot dolls...

Quatre: Why are they fighting, Trowa?   
UFO Trowa: Don't worry about it...  
UFO Wufei: Winner, you are a weakling!  
Quatre: *starts to cry* That was mean!  
UFO Duo: Ignore Wu-man...  
UFO Wufei: MY NAME IS WUFEI!!!  
UFO Duo: Whatever!  
Quatre: At least Relena isn't here...  
UFO Duo: Yeah, her food tastes terrible!   
UFO Heero: I heard that! *gets into a fight with UFO Duo*  
Quatre: Now both Heeros and Duos are fighting! What else can happen?  
UFO Relena: *appears holding a little tray of food* Hey guys! I made some food for you!  
UFO G-boys + Quatre: AHhhhhhh!!  
UFO Relena: What? Don't you want a taste?  
UFO Heero: Uh...it can't be that bad...*eats some of UFO Relena's food and after a minute falls*  
The remaining UFO G-boys + Quatre: SHE KILLED HEERO!!!!!!  
The real Relena: Who killed Heero?   
Quatre: Ahhhhhhh!!!!! YOU!  
Relena: Huh?  
Quatre: Get away from me!  
Relena: Ok...

Heero and Duo stop fighting and the nurses bandage them up. Trowa tried to stop the fight but instead got caught in it. THAT led up to the two nurses fought over who should bandage poor Trowa up.

Heero: I'm hungry...  
Duo: Me too!  
Wufei: I need something to eat also...  
Relena: Really? I have some--  
Wufei, Heero, and Duo: NOooooooooooo!  
Heero: You aren't that good of a cook, Relena...  
Wufei: *mutters* That would be an UNDERSTATEMENT, Yuy...  
Relena: But Hee-chan! I made your favorite cookies!  
Duo: Heero! Nooooo!  
Heero: *thinking* Must...not...eat...cookie! Must not eat the damn cookie!*outloud* LEAVE ME ALONE!  
Relena: Hee-chan doesn't like my cooking!   
Wufei: Weak onna! NO ONE DOES!  
Relena: *starts to cry* Hee-chan hates me!  
Duo: No, only your cooking...  
Relena: I hate you HEERO!  
Heero: *thinking* Must not eat evil cookie!*outloud* NO!!!  
Trowa: *tired of all the fighting* I'll eat the cookie!

Everyone in the room looks at Trowa...

Nurse #1: Trowa-chan is soooo brave!   
Trowa: Yeah, whatever...*takes one of the 'evil' cookies...* Yay...my favorite...toxic cookies... 

Trowa looked at the poisoned cookie with nuts in the middle of it. Trowa examined the cookie long and hard before he dared to take a bite out of it. A few minutes later, Trowa became brave enough to actually _put_ the deadly cookie in his mouth. At first, it tasted pretty good. Ten seconds later, it tasted like garbage...Trowa quickly swallowed the terrible food and was knocked out instantly. 

Relena: Oh well, another failure! I better start making something else...*Relena left the scene as if not one thing happened...*  
Heero: We're going to have to put Relena in a straight jacket or something....  
Duo: I agree with you on that one... 

Under the table, Quatre and the UFO G-boys are trying to revive UFO Heero... 

UFO Duo: That bitch killed Heero!  
Quatre: Even if she did that wasn't very nice to say Duo!  
UFO Wufei: Oh shut up, Winner!  
UFO Trowa: Wufei, shut up...  
UFO Wufei: INJUSTICE! I don't need to!  
Quatre: Will you two stop fighting?   
UFO Wufei and Trowa: OK! 

Yay...more Relena-bashing! Please review!  
-ChibiChibi-chan  
[1] UFO catcher dolls are just like those stuffed toys in machines that you see in arcades. An example of a UFO catcher doll is the stupid Tuxedo Mask doll Mamoru/Darien is always trying to get out of the machine in Sailormoon. The dolls are super deformed versions of the characters...really cute! 


	4. Default Chapter Title

Relena **Can't **Cook! Part 4  
Disclaimer: I don't own GW so stop calling me!  
*****

Five days later, Quatre was released from the looney bin and was sent home, even though he still carried those ridiculous UFO dolls with him. Today was also Duo Maxwell's birthday! (Don't ask how he has a birthday, just play along...) On this special occasion, Relena decided to attempt to make the birthday cake. As much as Duo and Heero asked her not to...

Duo: Why of all days did Relena _ have_ to pick this time to try to make a cake? I would have been happier if Hilde did it! But no! Relena had to be Mrs. I'm Such A Good Cook! Which everyone, including Heero, knows she's not! I hate to know what she'll put into it...maybe some hot sauce or maybe some kitchen cleaner! YUCK! Why me?  
Heero: *trying to watch the news* Will you shut the hell up, Duo? You're getting on my last nerve! Shouldn't you be acting a _ little_ more grown up anyways?  
Duo: *looking at a porn magazine* I am....*drool*  
Heero: *takes the magazine* I don't mean your dick! I mean your head!   
Duo: Oh...ok...I'll try to act my age...as long as you get Relena never to cook again!  
Heero: That maybe difficult...but I have my own ways...

A few minutes later, we see Heero on the floor of the kitchen, begging Relena to not cook...

Heero: *puppy dog look* Relena....please!  
Relena: No Heero! I'm cooking whether you like it or not!  
Heero: But Relena! Can't I cook for a change?  
Relena: Aww...how cute! But Heero don't you remember the time you tried to cook a T.V. dinner? You didn't even follow the directions! You fried it with your Gundam's beam cannon!   
Heero: Only because I didn't know how to operate the microwave at the time...  
Relena: My answer is still no, Heero!  
Heero: Oh well...I did try...

Meanwhile, the birthday boy sat in the living room watching TV (In case you were wondering, yeah, it was a porno.. X.x) when a familiar UFO Doll catches his eye...

UFO Duo: Hi DUO!  
Duo: Uh...Hi...  
UFO Duo: So today's your birthday?  
Duo: Yes, it is....  
UFO Duo: And how old are you today?  
Duo: Uh...17...  
UFO Duo: Really?  
Duo: Uh Quatre, will you go away? Your really starting to scare me...  
UFO Duo: My name isn't Quatre! I'm Duo!  
Duo: Uh...no, I'm Duo!  
UFO Duo: I'm Duo!  
Duo: I'm Duo!  
Quatre: Quit fighting!  
Duo: The doll started it!  
UFO Duo: I did not!  
Duo: Did too!  
UFO Duo: Did not!  
Duo: Oh my god! I'm fighting with a UFO doll! 

Back in the kitchen, Relena was attempting to bake a cake. It was the 13th cake she had burnt today and knew Duo wasn't going to eat it. Relena tried really hard not to bump into anything and have it fall into the cake mix. After her 22nd try, the cake finally came out right. Well, _ looked _ all right. Relena told the others of her accomplishment. Heero was surprised the cake wasn't burnt, but wondered what it tasted like. Relena put the candles on the cake and they began to sing Happy Birthday to Duo. After that, Duo blew out the candles and looked at the cake. Since it was his birthday, he had to cut the cake and serve everyone. Then, Heero and the other G-boys put in another little rule: The birthday boy has to eat the first slice of cake. Naturally, Duo didn't like ** that** one, but went along with it. After Duo served everyone a piece, he stared at his slice. Shinigami decided to eat it since it looked very good. Unfortunately, the unfortunate pilot of Deathscythe Hell collapsed after eating it. Quatre called 911 and the ambulance appeared faster than you could say 'Trowa and Quatre are gay'!

Relena: Oh, I feel soooo bad for Duo! The poor boy didn't even get to open his presents!  
Wufei: That's because your cooking nearly killed him! Do you expect Maxwell to magically be fine and open his presents? You stupid weak can't-cook-for-shit **ONNA**!  
Relena: *starts to cry* Your soooo mean to me, Wufei! *cries some more*   
Wufei: I was just telling you the truth, onna!  
Heero: Oh god....  
Trowa: What else could happen?

Hehehehe! Much more evil things Trowa! Much more evil things! I hope you enjoyed it! Review! REVIEW! REVIEW!   
- ChibiChibi-chan


	5. Default Chapter Title

Relena CAN'T Cook! Part: 5  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Gundam Pilots... : ( But I like to pretend I do!  
*****

It's Thanksgiving! What's going to happen to our Gundam boys? Let's find out!

Heero: *in bandages* Ohhh the pain! I can't get up! I can't eat! Ouuuuch!  
Duo: *same thing* Oh! Same here! Ouchie!   
Trowa: *also in bandages* Ooooh! I can't get up! Too bad I won't be able to eat Relena's great Thanksgiving dinner!  
Quatre: *with the UFO dolls in bandages too* OUCH! Can't get out of bed!  
UFO Wufei: We are weaklings! We can't even stand up to a weak onna!  
Relena: *comes out of no where* Well I can always give you guys my special soup!

Suddenly by a miracle everyone is ok!

Duo: Well by god it's a miracle! I can walk! I guess I can pass on that soup, Relena!  
Heero: Same here.  
Trowa: Me too.  
Relena: Hmmm....  
Quatre: *undoing the bandages on the UFO dolls* We're ok now aren't we?  
UFO Duo: YEP!  
Hilde: What's going on?  
Duo: Hilde! You can't be serious about us eating Relena's evil toxic food are you?  
Hilde: DUO! How can you say something like that?  
Duo: Because it's a known truth that eating Relena's food can nearly kill a man, such as myself. I know from personally experience!  
Hilde: That still doesn't give you a right to say something like that about Relena's cooking!  
Duo: Well don't come crying to me when you nearly are killed by her evil turkey dinner!  
Heero: Relena... I was wondering...  
Relena: What Hee-chan?  
Heero: Who else are you going to kill? I mean who else is coming?  
Relena: *ignoring the first comment* Oh um... Sally, Wufei, Dorothy, basically everyone we know!  
Duo: Anyone else besides me don't mind if Relena kills Dorothy with her food?

Duo, Trowa, Heero, and the UFO dolls (somehow) raise their hands.

Quatre: That's a mean thing to say!  
UFO Duo: No it isn't!   
Quatre: Yes it is!  
Duo: *to Heero* You think in Quatre's mental state he has some how in some weird way become attracted to the evil cockroach?  
Heero: To soon to tell...  
Duo: We should lock him up somewhere so he can't do any harm...  
Heero: Good idea... and while we're at it we should lock Relena in there! Duo you are soooo smart!  
Duo: I know I am!  
Heero: I was kidding about that last part...  
Duo: Oh...but I'm still smart!  
Heero: No your not...  
Duo: Geez! You hurt my feelings! Damn you Heero!

Just then Wufei is bringing dragged by Sally through the door.

Wufei: ONNA! You have no clue what her food has done to Yuy! Much more Winner!  
Sally: Aww come on Wufei it can't be that bad!  
Wufei: Hah! Fine! But before I die I would like to say I'm very much in love with you!   
Sally: Aww how cute...

Meanwhile Relena in the kitchen is trying to cook but neither Heero or Duo wanted to leave the room.

Relena: Heero...I told you the food won't be done for awhile.  
Heero: I know that's why I'm keeping an eye on you to make sure you don't try to poison the food...  
Relena: Heero! How about you and Duo go watch TV or something?  
Duo: OK! *grabs Heero and runs out the door to sit on the couch and watch TV*  
Quatre: HEY! I was watching Sailor Moon with Dorothy!  
Duo: Toooo bad! *thinks about the last part Quatre said* D-Do-DOROTHY?!?!?!?!  
Dorothy: What's wrong Mr. Maxwell or should I say Duo the god of idiots...  
Duo: Hey! Don't speak to the God of Death that way!  
Heero: I'd shut the hell up if I were you, Duo.  
Duo: Why?  
Quatre: You know now would be a nice time to say.... WE SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING!  
Duo: ...Whatever  
Wufei: Hah! Like I thought you weaklings are all here....and so is that ugly onna...  
Dorothy: Humph!  
Duo: Wu-man I don't think she deserves to be called an onna...  
Wufei: You know Maxwell your actually right for once!  
Quatre: Hey! Stop being so mean to people!  
Heero: What happened to the UFO dolls, Quatre?  
Quatre: Oh...well they umm... kinda go me mad and a burned them 'till not on thing was left....  
Duo: HEY! I happened to like those things!  
Quatre: And one of them called Dorothy an ugly whore so she destroyed that one...  
Heero: I can see why... 

Just then Zechs and Noin walk through the door.

Duo: Hey Zechs-Mill!  
Zechs: Shut up...  
Heero: *stares at Zechs*  
Zechs: *stares at Heero*  
Heero: Hello....Zechs  
Zechs: Hello....Heero  
Noin: Hi Heero! *looks at Zechs* You behave...  
Zechs: Ok...*stares at Heero* So who's cooking?*starts to drink a glass of water*  
Heero: Relena...  
Zechs: *spits out the water on to Heero* WHAT?!?!?  
Duo: Yeah, Relena's cooking  
Zechs: YOU IDIOTS! Don't you know she can't cook for shit?  
Duo: Oh, we knew that, but Heero still doesn't...  
Heero: And what does that mean?  
Duo: Nothing....  
Wufei: It means you can't stand up to your woman.  
Heero: I'll ignore that...  
Zechs: You guys haven't been eating her food have you?  
Duo: Uh...yeah...  
Zechs: I'm surprised you're not dead yet...  
Heero: Why?  
Zechs: Well, when Relena was little she always wanted to cook.... Even with her 'pretend' food she could knock out a person for a day....  
Wufei: Hummph! I'm not afraid of some stupid onna's food!  
Zechs: *grabs Wufei* You idiot! You don't know how dangerous it is to put her in a kitchen!  
Wufei: I care why?  
Zechs: I haven't told you the entire story yet! She's the real reason the Sanq Kingdom was destroyed! She set the entire Kingdom on fire with her cooking!  
Duo: Whoa...

Meanwhile, in the kitchen....

Relena: *sniff* Hmmm....what's that smell? It smells very familiar... Nevermind it's probably nothing... 

Meanwhile Heero and Zechs are yet again giving each other death glares. 

Zechs: You better hope Relena's cooking kills you before I do...  
Heero: Humph...same to you...  
Quatre: Can't we all just get along?  
Duo: Why don't you ask the cockroach over there?  
Dorothy: I have a name...  
Duo: I know...   
Wufei: It would be ugly weak onna!  
Dorothy: WHAT?!?!? *starts to beat Wufei up*  
Quatre: ....WE SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!  
Heero: I'm going to kill you, Zechs...  
Zechs: Then do it!  
Heero: Ok.... *another fight starts up*

Back in the kitchen...

Noin: Hi Relena!  
Relena: Oh Hi!  
Sally: What's up?  
Relena: Nothing just cooking my Hee-chan some food!  
Noin: That's nice of you.  
Relena: I just know Hee-chan will love it! 

At that moment a Chinese boy with a katana in hand is running from a blonde girl with a machine gun in hand with the pilot of Sandrock following behind them telling them they shouldn't be fighting. A few seconds they run as quickly as they had appeared in the room out of it in a big dust cloud. Heero comes in while throwing punches at Zechs and passing by the kitchen. Suddenly Relena and Noin get into cheerleader uniforms and start cheering on their men.

Relena: GO HEERO! HURT HIM! But not too bad....  
Noin: GO ZECHS KICK HIS LITTLE CUTE ASS! But not too hard you have to leave something for Relena to look at.... ^-^  
Relena: *blush*

Both men just look at the two women...

Zechs: We shall finish this later...  
Heero: Agreed... *walks out the room*

No sooner did they leave the kitchen was suddenly in a black thick smoke.

Relena: Haven't I been in this kind of situation before?  
Noin: You mean you don't know what's going on?!?!?  
Relena: Nah It's happened before...I just can't remember what to do incase of a fire...  
Sally: ...WHAT?!?!?!  
Relena: Well I'll sit here and wait for my Hee-chan to save me like he always does!

Heero and all the other GW boys are sitting in front of the TV watching a crappy movie.

Heero: For some odd reason I feel Relena's in trouble..  
Duo: Ah well she can wait...  
Heero: I guess so...*starts eating some popcorn **he** made!*

Back in the kitchen Noin and Sally were trying to find either a door a window the sink or a frying pan to knock some sense into Relena.

Relena: Any time now! Watch Heero will come!  
Sally: Relena! HEERO IS NOT COMING!!!!  
Relena: Watch he will! I mean what else could he be doing? 

Meanwhile, Duo had suggested that they play some strip poker before they die from Relena's horrible food.

Quatre: GO FISH!  
Duo: *sigh* Quatre...we are playing poker...  
Quatre: Oh...sorry... I never played poker before...  
Heero: I have this strange feeling that I forgot something...  
Duo: Nothing can be that important to you Heero...  
Heero: Good point... *continues playing*

Back in the kitchen...

Relena: *cough* Any time now!  
Noin: Relena I think that you've either lost it or you are just plain stupid. Heero is not coming to save you!  
Relena: Yes he will!  
Noin: No he won't! Zechs will save us! You watch! Any time now he will bust through that door and save me!  
Relena: Riiiiiiight... 

Zechs and Heero were arm reselling and Duo and Wufei had places their bets on the two.

Duo: I tell you Heero's gonna win!  
Wufei: Stupid Americans! A person like myself can plainly see that Yuy is weak and Marquise will win for sure!  
Duo: Uh huh... sure!  
Heero: *arm falls to the table* ... There's something I have to do but I can't remember what...  
Zechs: Haha! I-- *sniff* What the hell is that smell?  
Heero: *sniff* Don't know...  
Duo: *sniff* OMG! SHE BURNT THE TURKEY! What a waste of good precious food!  
Heero: *thawap* Ahem... Let's go see if Relena burnt down the kitchen...  
Zechs: Ok...  
Duo: *on the floor* Owchie...

Heero and Zechs run in the kitchen and look around. They find no one in sight. Suddenly Relena glomps Heero as does Noin glomp Zechs. 

Relena: OH Heero! I knew you would come!  
Heero: RELENA! THE ENTIRE KITCHEN HAS BEEN BURNT DOWN AND YOUR ACTING ALL NORMAL?!?!?!  
Relena: Well I tried to--  
Heero: THAT'S IT RELENA! YOU CAN'T COOK FOR SHIT! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE MENTAL HOSPITAL INSTEAD OF QUATRE!

The last words that came out of Heero's mouth hurt Relena a lot. She stares at him and starts to cry.

Relena: Heero...*sniff* you don't like me?  
Heero: Just your cooking...

And from that day on Relena never even went in the kitchen without someone watching her. But what will the Gundam boys do now? Will they keep ordering out for food? Or will **they** try to cook?!?! That is another story! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   
-----------------------  
*sniff* Whaaa! The last part of Relena CAN'T cook! Oh well... Lets see if the Gundam boys can do any better on my next fic... Cooking With The Gundam Boys! Let god have mercy on our souls!

-ChibiChibi-Chan  
This has been brought to many Gundam Wing fans Thanks to...  
Crackhead Productions!   
_Remember only we can come up with crazy shit like this!_


End file.
